First I want to start off with a little back story before I get to my actual story…
I have a bachelors degree in Interior Design. Got out of school – hated it! I wanted nothing to do with design. Basically “failed” my first few interior design jobs and was the major start of some of my anxiety. I was then unemployed for about 4-5 months and then found a job within a multi-million dollar healthcare corporation working on store layouts. Very very minimal design work and it was a decent job! But… after 2 years working on a contract there and loosing soooo much self esteem interview after interview and not being hired by the actual company (not to mention missing AT LEAST one day a week for anxiety/panic attack issues) I decided to quit and I went back to school again to become a veterinary technician. I was super excited to go back to school and do something I actually cared about. And I also thought that doing something new each day and not working full time would cure my panic and anxiety. Boy, was I wrong!! It actually made it worse and my anxiety and panic attacks happened more frequently. Fast forward one year later…I am in a behavior health hospital (more blogs on this topic to come) and have to leave school. I also had a part time job as a server on the weekends (which I also quit)…such a great job for someone with social anxiety…am I right???
So! It is now a little over a month since I left the behavior health hospital and my outpatient program. I need money. I need to go back to work! (I decided not to finish my new degree. At least not yet) What kind of job am I going to get!? How am I going to manage getting to work everyday!?
So many questions went through my head during my little job search. Yes, I said little. Luckily I did get a job fairly quickly with not too much searching. I decided that I did still want to work with animals. So I applied for many jobs but the one I wanted the most, I ended up getting. I will now be a veterinary assistant at a local animal hospital. I am super excited that I will start making money again and hopefully won’t be a burden on my family anymore.
I have so many thoughts going through my head. I will have normal social anxiety issues when I first start. Being super quiet and shy and being terrified that I am going to make mistakes and all my co workers will hate me. And then I am terrified if the day comes that I start having panic attacks again before work and have to stop going and end up fired. So many ‘what ifs’ in my future.
But I have learned so much about myself and my anxiety when I was inpatient as well as outpatient. I also have some upcoming appointments with mental health therapists. Since I HAVE to stick it out with the therapists this time and with all that I have learned, hopefully I will not have these work related anxiety problems I have had in the past! WISH ME LUCK!
I have to fight this! I need to win. I need to be happy and be able to be a functioning member of society that is actually going good in the world. I cannot and will not anxiety win!